Are Your Compliments Backfiring on You?

Everyone loves getting compliments. And they can be very useful as you try to win friends and influence people. So while you try to insert compliments into your repertoire, be careful how you throw them around; don’t abuse the power of the compliment. For when the people around you get used to the two poles of “suck up” or “put down,” that power can turn against you.

A sincere compliment does its job and does it well. In fact, the power of the compliment, when given in the spirit of true admiration, is immeasurable. A well-placed real compliment:

• Shows a level of respect that’s hard to dispute
• Acknowledges the receiver as someone of significance
• Leaves the other person with a lasting impression that they can draw upon on dark days
• Affords you a true sense of humility
• Builds trust
• Puts everyone, including you, in a positive frame of mind

Beware False Starts

You’ve most likely heard that communication is largely made up of body language and tone of voice — to the tune of about 85 percent! Most people aren’t tone deaf to insincerity and dishonesty. The power of a compliment given in haste, with little thought to the truth, carries equal amounts of distrust, negativity and disrespect.

Instead of feeling grateful for your attention, the receiver of a backhanded compliment or one that obviously is not sincere just leaves the person feeling annoyed and even resentful. Instead of garnering goodwill, as you’d hoped the power of the compliment would deliver, you end up being the boy (or girl) who cried wolf. In other words, the next time you offer your appreciation, it’s going to be received with an air of doubt by those who received that previous misguided compliment.

Consider the Source

Make sure you’re using the power of the compliment for good and not to put someone in their place or make yourself look superior. So consider your motivation for extending the approval. You could ask yourself the three questions that circulate as social media memes on a regular basis:

• Is it true?
• Is it kind?
• Is it useful?

If you answer “yes” to all three, then use the power of the compliment with a deft touch and beware of falling into one of categories below before finally letting it rip:

1. Patronizing. The definition of “to patronize” is to be helpful, and when you adopt this form of compliment, you may have answered yes to all the ethical questions and truly have your heart in the right place. It’s usually the delivery that falls short for some reason. Since you know the power of the compliment, you may believe that it actually may help someone feel better about themselves. At the same time, however, you feel slightly better than that person and at least a little superior. And it shows in your tone as you talk down to him or her. A patronizing compliment may actually be a sibling of the South’s well-known put-down of “Bless your heart.”
    
2. Too Frequent. For many people, once they discover the power of the compliment, they wear the heck out of it. And subsequently it wears out its usefulness. Too many compliments delivered too often actually begin to have the opposite effect. Think about when you truly enjoyed a fine, expensive piece of chocolate on Valentine’s Day and because it was so good, decided to eat 10 pieces every day. It soon loses its specialness and may even make you sick.
    
3. Not Quite Appropriate. Sometimes, you may have to struggle to find something nice to say to certain people. But you still want to exact the results that come from a well-placed compliment. You know it needs to be sincere, but you don’t know exactly what to say. Be very careful about complimenting people about certain subjects unless you know them intimately — like the fit of their clothes, their weight, their latest facelift, their choice in partners or any other intimate topic that could land you in HR with a harassment charge. Shoot instead for safe topics such as work-related efforts on the job, their handling of a difficult situation or their cooking.
    
4. Unclear and Questionable. The last thing you want is to waste the power of the compliment on an ambiguous statement that allows you to feel great about yourself, but leaves the other person scratching her head. For example: “I finally get to read well-written copy,” may in fact be heard as “You’ve been delivering crap all this time.” If the endorsement may be taken as an insult in disguise, rephrase it so it’s clear and unmistakably positive with something like: “After reading everyone else’s poor submissions, it’s refreshing to read your great copy.”
    
5. From the Heart. While the power of the compliment offers great benefit to the giver, when it’s delivered with no ulterior motive, you can usually be sure it’s from the heart. Rarely is the sentiment taken wrong when it’s clear you have nothing to gain by giving it. In fact, you may not even feel the same flood of endorphins that the receiver of your praise gets from a sincere compliment. But know that you are building a well of goodwill and respect from those on the receiving end of your honest acknowledgements.

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